I am Me, and who dares to bother can give a shit

I'm sitting here thinking bout what I told myself 7 months ago, the beginning of this year.
I Promised myself this would be the best year of my life.
But to be honest, it has been nothing but disappointments after disapointments really.

I try to give a 120% in everything I Do,
Just shit appearing in the middle sometimes that makes it a bit worse to reach ones goals.

I'm Happy in the ways I can be happy, though I do feel like something is missing in my life.
I Don't mind being on my own, I Got good friends to rely on. Friends I know will always back me up no matter what happens in this life.
But Friends are not lovers or girlfriends.
A friend can not crawl up to you in the middle of the night and whisper ever so softly that they love you.

I Long for love and passion, Someone that makes my soul shine.

Sometimes I do think i've lost that chance of true happiness.

Yet again, I Don't want to risk myself anymore, we all know how that went when I Allowed myself to open up to someone.
Maybe It was too soon, maybe she wasnt right.
Could be allot of things.

For now I am enjoying the singel life. New apartment.
Feels like the start of a whole new life doesnt it?

Live, as every day was the last, we don't know what tomorrow brings.
And let the ones you love, know, cos it might be too late

Insane In The Brain

I don't really care if you read this or not,I seriously couldn't care less. I know you read my blog, why really doesnt make sense but meh.

Really want to go into which person has issues? Yes please lets.
I can be a big enough person and say, Yea I do have some issues.

But If I were you, I wouldn't talk too fucking much bout it.

I got my personal Issues, I don't say I'm perfect. I have my flaws like every fucking other person on this planet.
And who the hell are you to even OPEN your mouth about such things?

Oh yea so you've experienced shit, well does that give you every right to stand and scream at people cos you cant talk normal? That you think screaming will make you get your point across?

Shit...

Yea I might have Issues and problems, but ya know what, It's girls like you that has fucking made me this way.

I can say that I'm fucked up.
Can you?

Every fucking person on this planet has issues in one way or the other.
Lesbians more than others. Being one you should fucking know.

If I were you, I'd get my act straight, think bout wtf your doing in your life.
Maybe the problem isnt with everyone else.

Yea I'm fucked up, but atleast I won't end up alone with the only thing to rely on in this world is my friend.

My heart is warm and yours is cold.

What Used To Be My Home

It's kinda offical now, my apartment is so to say no longer mine.
I just have a few more things to do before I'm completly moved out.
Just have to wash the walls,cupboards and the ceiling, not in the line ofcourse.

I donno if I'm moving in with my bro or not now, my mom and stepdad found me an apartment not far from here.
I donno I'm gonna look at it this following week I hope, and we'll see.

So until then, I'm staying with my mom, Which I hate mind you.
Suddenly I don't have the freedom I'm used to have.
Suddenly allot of people to relate to.
I havent had people so close since Sepphire lived with me.

And yet again, ya know she's there to stir things up in my head.

The room in which I'm staying, brings back allot.
We spent our first night's there together as a couple.
Even if the room didn't have a door,
It didn't really matter.
Too Deep in love for anything else to matter.

In this house, was the place I first propose to her, to be my wife.
I remember that night, Even if we had a few that night,
The words were still true.
I did think she'd be my wife one day.

Then I got the apartment...
Sepphire came to visit that day that I was moving in.
She stayed behind,helping my mom hang up the curtains, put clothing into the shelves, etc.
She was so proud of herself, wanting to show me what she had done.
I couldn't help myself but smile, such small things we take for granted,
Was such a big deal to her.
We were finally alone that evening, for a first time since my birthday in February.
That apartment holds allot of memories of the life we shared together. the joy and the laughter.

She also propose to me in that apartment, for my birthday the year after.
I remember crying, i was so happy.
All my dreams seemed to come true.

I remember so many times, waiting for her to come, cooking in the kitchen, waiting for her car to pull into the drive way with metal blasting out of the speakers, unlocking the door into the apartment, and embracing me ever so tightly.

I will remember that place, with lots of fond good memories.
That perfect love will live forever in my mind and heart.

Restless

Ive fucked up my sleeping pattern again,
wtf is keeping me awake?

It's my head,
I know it.
The thoughts won't go away,
Rushing through my head like demons
Hunting me in the night.

I miss being able to have someone to sleep next to,
A warm soft body against me,
Feeling their warm breath heaving softly at me.

Fingers twirling my hair between their fingers,
As soft lips touch my cheek.
While sweet words of love is whispered in my ear.

I remember smelling her perfume as I drifted off to sleep,
her arms clinging tightly on to me as if never wanting to let go.

 

Her lips,
Kissing me in her sleep,
And murmurs escaping her lips,
Saying "I love you"
Somewhere in the dark.

Her hair brushing against my face,
tickeling my nose.

I really hate sleeping alone,
guess that's why I hate  sleeping.
 

Oh well, time to rest

Seriously? You got a Death Wish?

Today started with a Bang....litterally.
I woke up to the knocking on the inner door in my apartment.
I Was shocked,
The fucked up landlord had locked himself into my apartment.
After a while i got up,
Pulled up the door to the hall,
And looked at the bastard standing in my entrance door.
I glared at him and was really ticked off.

I started yelling at him,
Cos he was complaining bout the hall looking bad,
For fuck's sake,
I'm moving out!
I flipped off,
Been a while since I've been so angry.

I seriously SNAPPED!
he's not allowed to do that.

I seriously could have slapped him,
Standing there, that bald old pig.

MEH!

Anyhow...

Got an Email from Sepphire earlier today,

She wrote she might have time to pick up her belongings at the beginning of
July.
Bout Freaking time if you ask me.
She better not send someone,
Cos last time she didn't let me know and i freaked out.

Well, I freaked out cos I Didn't know who it was.

Anyhow,
Gonna be good to get rid of it.

Though it strikes me that it will be weird to see her since I haven't spoken With/Seen
Her since march.

Hah that dreeded week in Stavanger.
Gonna be good to get rid of it atleast.

I Seriously saw how much clothing she had left behind.
No wonder, she practically lived here.
 

Today, I don't really have any plans.
Gonna relax and just enjoy my day I think.
The weather ain't too nice, and I'm broke at the moment so that doesn't help much.

I've had a long talk with my friend though,
Bout our situation in life.

No wonder one gets bitter.
Seeing how everyone actually have a life,
Family,a house, kids, etc.
And what do I have?
No job, No partner,No house,
No nothing really.
You really do end up a bit bitter.
Being Gay doesn't really help the situation.
The worst part is,
I could have been married by now.
If things hadn't gotten messed up with Sepphire,
I could have been married last fall.

I mean, I'm not actually getting any younger,
Closing in on 30.
I want my life to go somewhere,
I want a person to share my life with.
Who will love me for who I am and not who
They want me to be.

I am me, Take me for who I am,
I won't change for anyone,
Love me as I am or Forget bout it.
If I change, I stop being me.

I guess I do miss the realtionship I used to have sometimes,
Though I don't mind being alone.
Just missing someone I can show my affection to,
Someone I can call in the middle of the night,
That's just happy to hear my voice.
Someone I can shower with my love.

I don't know if anyone can love me like that again.
I tried to love, and look how that went.

But everyone keeps telling me,
That it was good that I opened my eyes to the situation
Before it got too serious.
Yea and their right.
It would have been worse to actually get into it too deep,
And then realising that,
This ain't the girl I'm supposed to be with.
Better to be alone than to feel unloved and unwanted.

Well im restless, time to do something.

~LV~

My life in a box

I'm so sick of cleaning and packing down
all my belongings. feels like theres no end to it.

Blah.

It was weird,
I packed down the clothes of my x,
she never picked em up,
It was strange really,

on top of it all, alonge with the clothes,

layed a picture of us together.

Thoughts shifted through my head,
I should really get rid of those things.

I mean its been what now, 6 months?

I cant afford to send her all her shit though,
I mailed her and she said she would think bout it.
But yea she wont pick em up.

sick of having a constant reminder of what she did to me.
Sick of being reminded of the relationship we had.
Though,
It was a nice relationship,
Warm and loving.
She was ever so devoting to me,

as i were to her.

I want a relationship like that again.
a relationship where I feel complete and alive.

Some things stay in your mind forever, I suppose.

Anyway....

I got lots to do,

my mom is coming tomorrow to help me O_O

I can use the help, its too much to do on your own.

Im doing good so far though.

Time to finish.

Blogging again later

~LV~

God damn AHHHHHHHH!

Cleaning day today,
the speakers throwing out the sweet music that soots my soul.
Nothing better than blasting the music out loud
when cleaning is on your list.

Currently listening to Poets of the fall,
though i proberly shouldnt,
but i dont really care tbh.

Too much to do in so lill time,
I'm gonna be happy once this is over.
It's at times like this you realise
How much junk you got stored.

At the moment I'm cleaning the stove.
OMG how boring,
where's a sexy little maid when I need her.
actually makes me think of someone from a time
Long since passed.

 

It's gonna be nice to leave this place behind,
Got too many memories in this place.
Now I can finally leave them all behind.

So I'm hoping I Will be able to be out of this place,
Sometime this week.

Too many problems and junk concerning the guy that owns
The freaking house.

Gonna be nice to move in with my bro and his gf =D

 

This is gonna be a great summer,
I have a good feeling bout it.

Parties,Girls in barly any clothes,beer and sunshine.

Hell, I'm gonna make this the best summer ever,
I'm free,
No one to commite myself to.
And it's a pleasant thought really.

I Can't even imagen how this summer
Would have been if  I had stayed in that messed up relationship.
Not so pleasant I'm sure.
Nice to know afterwards,
That everyone around the one you dated,
Couldn't stand your face.

Am I really supposed to care?
Not really.

I Know for a fact atleast,
No more women for a loooong loong time.
I'd rather stay singel than to be with someone
who barly could show their emotions towards me.

You were right, M,
You didn't deserve me.

I better stop blogging now,
I have lots to do,
And shorter time to get there.

Btw my mom made the best comment on my break-up today.
Hah I love my mom.

~LV~

Another Nail in the coffin

So it ended,
im not really sad to be honest.

I don't really bother wasting my time on a realtionship
Thats going no where.

I don't need a Girlfriend who can't even stand up

for me when I need her.

I deserve so much better than that crap.

 to be honest.

I should have understood it was pointless when

over and over shit came up.

Feel like i've been through hell and back.

I deserve to feel special,
I deserve to feel that i am everything.

The whole situation just makes me pissed off.
rubbing in my face she's been hearing shitty rumors bout me,

that she cant even back up.

and almost all fucking day ive been getting shit from her friend.
and she claims i dont act like an adult.

Pft wonder who the adult is who cant even talk.

Ok so i told her not to talk to me,

but i got pissed off as hell when her friend came bashing on me.

fuck that.
What the fuck is the point of involving others in something that doesnt concern them?

Fuck that,
I don't need to be with someone that never makes me feel pretty.
I don't need to be put up with bout being placed in the back of the line all the time.

I don't need a fucking girlfriend that makes a scene.

her loose not mine.

I need someone that truly loves me.

i took a huge risk going into a relationship with her.

vunerable, and she knew it.

nah, I'll find that person some day,

that will worship me,

just like i do when i fall deeply in love.

Tomorrow is another day,
and I look at it with a smile on my face.

I'll find her some day

.............

I miss being the world for someone...

My head is bound around itself,
Bound in its own madness.

Who am I?
What am I doing here?

Why do i feel this way that i do?

Fuck, I can't even expect myself to
Understand my feelings.

No one cares anyway,
My thoughts and feelings,
Are dead to the world and my surrondings.

So.......

Stop the World Cos I want Off

Epic Fail @ Life

My life,
I've come to think bout it recently.

This thing they call life of which i live in.

If one can call it living.

I exist in this hopelessness that is me.
Thats not life, just existance.

Sometimes I wonder on what i've wasted my life on.

Cheap thrills that lasts for a short time.

My mind revolves around it.

Things have been on my mind recently.

Did I take a wrong turn somewhere along
The path of my so called life?

what is the purpose of my life?

How am I to accomplish the things i was put out to do?


.........

My life is on my mind allot recently...

Myself, Seen Through The Eyes Of Me

As I sat on the bus today,
I came to think bout things in my life,
and how my life has been so far.
No one will ever tell my story like I Will ever do.

I know I'm not perfect,
far from,
I have my Flaws and errors like everyone else.

I have a temper, I won't deny.
And I do get jealouse from time to time,
But who doesnt?
I tend to get cold when cornered or treatned.

But All in all I do think I'm like everyone else.

My life has never really been easy,
Though I'm glad that in a way it havent been,
All the past scars has been there to shape the person I am today.

My history is full of scars,
a violent home,
My suicide attempts.
People that have stabbed me in the back,
And people who has torn me apart.

I've always rised from everything that has happened in my life,
Though I do assume that I can seem cold and a bit heartless for some.

I don't know,
Some things have made me just be careful in everyway.

I've had good time to reflect upon myself today,
seeing what sort of person i've turned into.

And Actually thinking bout my life as it has been so far.

I'm not exactly at the point where I'd believe I'd be at the age of 26.
No job, barly any income.
Been engaged 3 times over the past 7 years.
To be honest, thats a bit messed up.
But we never know what's around the next turn.

But I do feel that life is in the right direction,
Better than it's been in a long time really.
I don't feel like I'm struggeling with Depression anymore.
Been a while really, which I find good.
I havent even concidered a shrink anymore,
I Don't think i really need it, a while back yes,
Now, no not really.
Though there might be people that would say
My mind is messed up.

No, I'm not messed up,
My mind is just more complex than
I'd like to be honest.

I might seem dumb and ignorant,
But thats really cos most people don't understand the way I work.

I actually had allot more to write down,
It was much better when I thought this
through on the bus.
But oh well,

My thoughts,
My head,
My life.

And I like it just like that

~LV~

I Might Be Fucked Up, But Atleast I'm Honest

Seriously, Some People piss me off,
Piss me off in way that I Wanna grab a shotgun and blow their brains out.
I MEAN COMMON!
There's one especially that makes me annoyed and want to scream,
But I won't write names here, god knows who can
Be reading my ever so lill blog.

I wanna tell this person that,
No, the World isn't all bout you,
EVEN if you TRY To lure your life in on other people.
I DON'T CARE bout your life, atleast not when
you start writing bout it in my Statuses.
If I did I'd ask.

Yea I'm pissed.

Why?

Cos I haven't slept.
I should beforer I Kill someone.

Angermangment aside,
We had an Ok day,
My brother is currently sleeping on the couch.

Which makes me wanna throw stuff at him,
Cos I'm a lill bored.
And Maybe a lill lonly.

We had pizza earlier,
I Like buying pizza when he's here,
pizza makes him happy,
and we like it when lil bro is happy.

Stepmom tried to call me earlier,
but I wasn't really in a mood to talk to her.
I know I proberly should and all,
but some days I just don't feel like talking on the phone.

I Did talk on the phone today though,
Monica called me for about 30min or so.
I Like talking with Monica.
She's so sweet.

She's going to sweden tomorrow,
And being as sweet as she is,
She's buying cigarettes for me.

Then she's coming on sunday,
I'm really looking forwards to sunday.
I Bought DragonAge Orgins or
What ever it's called for us to play.
GamerGirls = Epic.
And Monica is Epic
So ha!

So Yea I'm sitting here concidering to sleep or not,
I know I will fuck up my sleeping order if I do go to sleep now.
I Will concider it.
I Know Lack of Sleep isn't good.
But who can blame me.

Well I'm Off For Now,
Proberly Will Blog again later.

~LV~

I've Made up my mind

I've Made up my mind that I'm not gonna sit around and
pout over some lill unsecure girl,
that never wants to take a chance on a thing in her life.

She can blame me as much as she fucking want,
Cos I know, And Everyone else knows,
SHE WAS THE COWARD and left our so called relationship.

HA! I laugh at her, that lill kid.
What does she ever know bout love?
Not a damn shit cos what her family and friends think is much more important
And always has been.

So Yea, Time for a new start,
I'm not gonna involve myself with anyone for a long time,
I'm done with stupid women.

I'm gonna start reaching for my goals in life,
And focus on whats important.
And shes not one of them, She lost the best thing that ever could happen to her^^

First of all, im gonna get a job,
Yes i need a job, sick of living like this.
i'm gonna finish hollowed Visions, bout fucking time if you ask me.
Also, thinking bout making it into a comic and getting it publish,
far ou there but hey something to reach for.

I'm gonna loose more weight and take better care of myself.

Who needs that bitch?
I'll do just fine without your lying ass^^

The illusion Of Love

Ha!
they make me laugh,
Talking bout true love as if it was nothing.


Love,
What do they know bout love?

I pity them,
Thinking whatever feeling that comes into them,
is the feeling of Love.

Love,
Kids don't know the true meaning of love.

That's the Love they See on Tv.

Pretty words and "poems" that rhyme.

They All live in a fantasy world,
One day they will wake up,
blink their eyes and see,
That the Vision of life and Love
Was All Just a Lie

Lady Luck Cut me some fucking slack!

God,

is it even possible?

bad luck upon bad luck.

Typical me isn't it?

Man seriously,
why can't lady luck shine a bit down on me instead of pissing on me? O.o

My 2 Fucking Cents

Ok Ok
For Those that DOESN'T Know,
I'm a lesbian but hey i'm sure thats been noticable through out
My blog so far.

Anyhow

There's something bout the whole deal that really really
Bugs me must of the time.

Actually the whole community bugs the hell outta me.

Oh god Don't even get me started
on the lesbian community,

i've been gay for what, 10 years now.
And In that time,I've discovered allot
about this so called community and how the system works.

I can't really compair myself to allot of the lesbians in the community.

Like, They get a girlfriend, they stay together for,hm a few
months like the typical lesbian relationship actually is.

They break up and a few days later,
oh look at that, a new girlfriend.

WHY?

Are lesbians so fucking afraid of being alone?
It's like their relationships overlap each other.

Why oh why do I ask?

I do understand that we're a fewer % Than the hetrosexuals,
but oh my god is it even possible.

Just take my X forexample,
We were together for almost two years,
she recently dumped me,
And ofcourse,
not long after,
HEY got a new girlfriend.

First of all i dont understand it at all,
if you truly love someone,
that deeply as she claimed,

You don't run off with the first girl that comes your way.
Dear lord now she's almost had more girlfriends
than I have had in 10 years.

It actually makes me Question the love of lesbians,
how real it really is.

Arn't we meant for steady and long relationships?

Ofcourse I'm not judging everone at once,
but thats like 98% of all the lesbian I know.

Just look at the community where I live,
Most people have been a couple.
What?

Ain't this country BIG enough that you don't
have to date your x's x?
or so?

I must honestly say, I personally, Got more Shame
Than Pride of Being Gay.

When I love,
I love with all my heart,
and if it ends,
I never throw myself right back out there.

I got more Pride in myself than so

You know? Really? aww hell O_O

Det har seg nå slik, at jeg er av typen at jeg tror det
finnes noe godt i dem fleste mennesker.
Selv om man ofte må grave dypt dypt et stykke.

Men jeg har kommet frem til en konklusjon
Noen mennesker, uansett hvor mye godt man
kan prøve å finne,
så er det faktisk ikke der.

Jeg har nå oppdaget i løpet av mine år,
at noen mennesker,
er faktisk så tvers igjennom råttene,
at all deres glede
går ut på å lage et helvete og ødlegge for andre mennesker
Rundt seg.

Samme hva det koster.

Folk som er så selvsentrerte og uten medfølese for andre mennesker.
Er disse individene født uten Empati?

Eller er dem så fulle av seg selv,
at dem har skylapper for øynene.

Jeg vil nok være så stor i munn at jeg vil påstå
at menneskene er helst oppslukt i sin egen
verden,

Der dem selv er konge/Dronning.

Slike mennesker har jeg lyst til å klapse til med en våt laks på en kald dag.
helst av en slik grunn at
jeg igrunn ikke kan skjønne helt hvordan slike mennesker fungerer i hodet,
om det i det hele tatt er noe som er i nøtta til å begynne med.

Nei, vik av min vei,
eller se opp for laksen som kan komme flagrende